miatan: Life Magnified

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May '08


Yesterday I called the SingTel Billing Enquiry Hotline about a discrepency in my bill.

Some chick answered my call after being put on hold.

She verified my mobile number, name and I.C.

Then she asked me what was wrong.

We had a lengthy 10 minute discussion about my handphone bill, unsolicited SMS, unexplainable charge from a 3rd party provider etcetc.

And she finally came to the conclusion that her capacity was inadequate to help me.

“Sorry, madam, I will have to refer your case to my colleague who manages content subscription and she will give you a call back later. Can I have your NUMBER please?”

May '08

Give me face lah

Superstar saez::

I cried today.

I have never cried in my life. Not even as a baby. When the doctor spanked my ass, I yelled some gibberish to him which sounded something like “touch me again, and I swear I’ll poop on your hand, Doc”.

A real man never cry. And those who know me, know that there are days when even my presence in the room can reduce hardened criminals to wussified pansies.

But today, I can’t control myself. The tears just followed.

I looked her in the eye and she leaned closer. “Shut your eyes” she said.

I did and then I felt it. Felt the pain like a thousand burning needles slammed right into my face. I clenched my fist and bit my lips, but the tears just keep on flowing. All these while, she never spoke a single word. Neither did I. There was nothing to say.

Before I turn to leave, she asked if I would like to come back and see her again.

Crazy woman.
It all started 3 days ago when Sally called me excitedly over the phone to tell me that I’ve won a free 1 hour facial treatment. I don’t know any Facial Sally, but she sounded like she knew me. I sounded like I was hard-up for free facial.

We made a deal. 15th May. Date between Facial Sally and me.

So I was ushered into a nice cosy room. Told to lie down and wait. Sounds of waves and birds chipping played over hidden speakers from somewhere in the room. A short while later, a hot curvy chick sauntered in and told me what I was in for. “I will giving you a steaming facial to open up your porr. Then later I remove your blackhay and after that give you massage and mas.”

Whatever. I’ll take two of each if it’s free, thank you.

Well, if you have seen my photos before on posters and magazines, then you would probably notice that I’ve got quite a large nose. And you know what they say about men with large nose right?

Anyway…everything went well until she started on her “blackhay” removing procedure. I knew something wasn’t right when she held a weird looking metal contraption close to my face like a brain surgeon would to a skull.

I looked her in the eye and she leaned closer. “Shut your eye” she said.

Big nose = more surface area = more “blackhay” = more pain = more tears

At first I tried to be hero. I curled my toes and flexed my muscle, but when she got to the area where the nose meets the face, I felt my pee travel down my urinary tract, through my endless length of manhood and put a tiny stain on my boxers.

That’s when I shed a tear. Two tears. And then three.

She must have felt my body tense up, course she said in a really comforting tone. “It’s your first time, sure will hurt.” Hey woman, that’s my line! I was thinking that, but before my thoughts could process into witty remark, I felt the cold touch of her metal contraption on my nose and I blacked out. Well, I didn’t literally blacked out, but I must have been in so much trauma that my mind blocked out the next few passing minutes, because the next thing I know, she said “ok. Now time to put on the “mas”.”

Before I could figure what that was, something cold and gooey spread over my face. My eyes were still covered with some gauze like material. I know how people who were buried alive must have felt. After almost suffocating me with heavy goo, she left the room.

Alone. Brutalized and with facial mask seeping into my nostrils. (My big nose is going to get me killed someday.)

After what felt like 4 days, she finally came back in to the room to remove the mask. “Ok all done. You can get up now.”

I’m alive. I’m alive!

I jumped into my shoes, grab my bag and bolted for the door with every aching fiber of my body.

Before I turned to leave, she asked me quite coyly “would you like to come back again mister?”

Crazy woman.

May '08

Happiness Isn’t Hard too Find

Superstar says::

A man was fishing by the docks.

A fine young gentleman in crisp pin stripped suit walks up to the man and inquired politely, “what are you doing dear sir?”

“I am fishing of course.” The man replied.

“And why do you fish?” the fine young gentleman pressed on.

“Because I enjoy catching fishes, so that’s what I do.

“That is such a waste of time! You can turn your hobby into a money making venture. You can cast a net and catch more fishes”

“And what do I do with more fishes?” the man asked.

“Well you could sell them for a profit and use the money to buy trawlers to catch even more fishes.” The fine young gentleman replied rather impatiently.

“And what do I do with more fishes?” the man asked coolly.

“You sell them for even greater profits, buy over a fishing fleet and start your own company” the fine young gentleman said with a hint of annoyance.

Again the man asked, “And what do I do then?”

“Well, with all that money in the world, you don’t have to work any more and you can do anything you like”

“Like fishing?” The man asked.

“Like fishing.” The fine young gentleman replied

“Then,” the man said with a warm smile, “I have not wasted my time.”
note: this story was related to me when i was a little kid and somehow it struck a chord in me. I didn’t understand it then as a child, but it makes perfect sense now. I can’t remember the story verbatim but i tried my best to relate it with my own version. Hope you like this one, Jac00. it’s a little different from the usual angsty articles. Go figure this one out.
I leave you readers with this quote of the day. “contentment is just a better way of looking at resignation”