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Apr '08

Don’t Tell Me Don’t

Superstar saez::

I’m a nice guy. On most days at least. It takes a lot to piss me off. Contrary to popular belief, I’m really not as intimidating as they make me out to be. Honest.

Only 2 things in life piss the crank out of me. Other than whiny girls, weaklings, doormats, morons, customer service hotline, unpunctuality, price hikes, indecisive folks, people who can’t speak English and people who chope their seats with packets of tissue paper.

Piss-me-off #1: Don’t tell me ‘Don’t’.
Firstly I don’t take kindly to people who force their ideals and beliefs down my throat. This goes out mainly to all religious fanatics, MLM agents and our beloved parents. Secondly, it really drives me up the wall when people start telling me NOT to feel this way, NOT to feel that way, NOT to eat this, NOT to eat that.

Just the other day, something tickled my nose and I had to sneeze and sneeze I did. I enjoyed every moment of it. From the time of the built up, to the muscle contraction to riding the wave of the sneeze equivalent of an orgasm, I enjoyed every freaking minute of that sneeze. Mum came up to me and said “Don’t sneeze lah.”

God damn. I’m sorry. Excuse me. Maybe I offended you with my thunderous sneeze, but I can’t help it can I? Hey, wise crack, how about you NOT piss after 10 jugs of beer. You don’t get to cast that first stone.

Out with my friend the other day. Concern. Caring. Doting. Whatever. No body tells a man to NOT eat his chicken skin. Especially one from KFC. The good Colonel did not go out of the way to put in his secret blend of herbs and spices just so you can throw it away dipshit. Respect the colonel, bitch.

If I keel over and die from a heart attack cause my arteries are clogged, so be it. Here’s a news flash, sweetheart, you’re going to die too someday. At least with smoking and fatty food, I know exactly how I’m going to go. And for the record, not every smoker is going to end up looking like the picture on cigarette cartons. Jaywalking across Wisma will yield the same effect if you ain’t careful.

Just today. 5mins ago. A hot but annoying friend called to say hi. Being hot has it privileges. I gave her 3mins talk time out of my busy schedule. “Hey honey, why so curt? Don’t be grumpy.” She said in a high pitched, annoyingly bubbly tone.

Don’t. Be. Grumpy.

Let’s analyze this. First the speaker assumes that me being grumpy is a personal choice. I woke up one morning, look into my cupboard and decide which mood to put on. What to wear, what to wear? Then the speaker assumes authority over me and demands, request or persuade me to cease being in my present emotional state. So…just because you say Don’t be grumpy, my frown will magically turn up into a smile?

“It’s easy to just shrug your shoulders and say “don’t.” A real friend will take action. Do something. Truly honey, if you really want to cheer me up, put the money where your mouth is.”

Guys, the next time your girl throws a PMS-ic fit, turn over and tell her “Don’t be PMS-ic. Don’t.” That will probably get you a knee between the balls and night out on the couch. But hey, at least you’d get my respect.

Apr '08

Top 10 Ways to Get Over The Muthafucker

An excerpt from a conversation I had with my friends last week on 2 separate occasions. One’s a dumpee and the other’s the dumper.

Dumpee: Yeah, so anyway I ceased contacting her and moved on with my life. What else can I do? It’s not like she’s going to come back to me or anything. I’m going to take this opportunity to meet more people, catch up with my friends and just have some alone time.

Me: True. True. Cheers.

We clink our bottles together and sat in comfortable silence

Dumper: He never called back after the breakup! What the hell?! How can he move on so fast? It’s almost as if he didn’t care. I knew it. He never loved me. That bastard. The last I heard he’s out seeing people.

Me: But you dumped him.

Dumper: Yeah, but shouldn’t he try to get me back?

Me: But you dumped him for someone else.

Dumper: He could at least try. At least I’ll know he loved me.

Me: But you stopped loving him.

Dumper: Aiyah! You don’t understand lah. I hate him, I hate him!

Payback’s a bitch. Nothing says “eat shit and die muthafucker” better than a nonchalant oh-too-cool-to-care attitude. Hating is as good as loving. It’s a form of extreme emotion that puts you in a vulnerable position.

You probably get good advice like start a new hobby and take a vacation from friends. While these all work out fine, they are hardly fun. Your ex is probably going to turn to his/her new squeeze and go “so poor thing ah. I feel sorry for my ex. Tsk tsk.”

Do it the Superstar way for a guaranteed payback. 9 out of 10 Dumpers will tell you that they are not affected by the list below and are in fact happy for their Dumpee. Only 1 is honest.

10 Ways to Piss Your Ex and Look Good Doing It. (Aka Top 10 Ways to Get Over The Muthafucker.)

10. Don’t give a shit about the breakup. Act like it means nothing to you. Even if it does, don’t show it.

9. Call you ex by his/her first name. That should be a refreshingly shocking change. And say it like you’ve been doing it forever.

8. Call your ex by another name and go “oops. Sorry. It’s just that YOU remind me of HIM/HER”. This works every-fucking-time. It just kills the other person inside.

7. Laugh it off.

6. Date your ex’s friend. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, just occasional meet up is enough to piss your ex off.

5. Call your ex to ask about this nice restaurant that he/she brought you to before. Sound excited and be in a rush to put down.

4. Get attached. For guys, find a girl that’s hotter than your ex. The new one doesn’t need to have more brains. Just pick one with bigger boobs and a decent face. For girls, find a man that drives a better car.

3. Go work that body out. Make your Ex drool at the new you.

2. Gush to your common friends about how good your new one is in bed. You never knew what orgasm felt like until today.

1. Make a homemade porn clip and send it to us. We would be more than happy to give you airtime on our blog. Need a partner? Drop us a comment.

Apr '08

Top 10 Signs You Are Going To Get Your Candy-Ass Dumped

Superstar says::
So here are Gene’s top 10 lists on identifying and surviving relationship fuck-ups. Follow these easy steps and you’ll be problem-free like me.

    Top 10 Signs You Are Going To Get Your Candy-Ass Dumped.

10. He/She starts to dress up differently. New thongs, sexier outfit, and watch out for the hair. The girls will almost always try something new with the hair. If you guys have been together for years and she only started to dress in exceptionally low cut top and figure hugging dresses, I bet you my left ball she isn’t doing it for you.

9. Your partner no longer calls you [insert word of endearment here] and when you point that out, he/she simply replies “you’re just being oversensitive” but still no mention of [insert word of endearment here].

8. Your partner no longer laughs at your jokes or silly antics but instead finds them annoying.

7. You tell him/her that you’re going out with another girl/guy to catch a movie. Your partner goes “have fun.” Clear sign he/she no longer feels anything for you.

6. He/She starts hanging on to his/her mobile phone for his/her dear life. Every SMS gets replied to immediately while your messages to him/her takes hours to get back to you, and even so, its short, curt and without effort.

5. He/She tells you that I’m going out to meet a friend, and NO, you can’t come along because said friend wants to talk in private about something personal.

4. Oh its already 10pm, its too late to go out with you because he/she has to wake up early tomorrow, but makes an exception when a friend calls him/her to meet under him/her block for a short while of three hours. This also applied to telephone conversations.

3. He/She suddenly becomes more knowledgeable about things you guys never talked about. He/She has even gone on to take up a new hobby.

2. “I need a vacation.” Alarm bells should go off when you here this line. It is different from “WE need a vacation.” The guys usually don’t pick this up fast enough. By the time she actually goes through with the vacation, you can kiss the relationship good bye. The girls are a lot more astute on this one. Usually, the plans get unraveled before the guy has the chance to even think of a destination.

1. “I don’t feel like blowing anymore.” Yes, yes. The culmination of all relationships. It’s over. The end. Roll credits. Chicks in general like to suck dick. Even if they hate sucking dick, she will do it for the guy she loves. Now, if she tells you those 6 simple words, you know you’re going to be well acquainted with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 daughters in the days to follow.

Ladies and gents. Are these signs apparent in your relationship? I’m not particularly in favor of the Salvage-The-Relationship school of thought when these 10 signs are a-showing.

Dignity, ladies and gents. Whatever you do, never grovel and beg. Nothing says Fuck You Right Back like…

Next article: Top 10 Ways to Get Over The Muthafucker.

I leave you gentle readers with this beautiful quote from Jim Butcher’s White Night. It goes out to the girl I saw getting dumped at City Hall, it goes out to my friend who was crying buckets on my shoulder two nights ago and it goes out to my other friend who has moved on to a new man in life but can’t forget the old.

Pain is part of life. Sometimes it’s a bigger part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does 2 things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.
- Jim Butcher; White Night.

Apr '08

And now introducing….

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It gives me great pressure to announce a merger, of sorts, with another great writer aptly named SuperStar!

SS will be updating on a much more regular basis than I am.

That won’t be too difficult to achieve lah.

I hope you’ll enjoy SS sense of humour and sacarsm, as much as I’d have over the years.

Please be nice. SS has a fragile ego.


Mad Season

Superstar Says::
There are tons of self-help books out there telling you how to handle relationships, breakups, singlehood, marriage, etc, but nothing prepares you for the real brute force of an emotional trauma like being in the situation yourself. That’s when all logic and reasons go out the window. You’re upset, you’re upset, and that’s nothing you can do about it.

Lately there has been a breakup epidemic going on. Heartbreak Hotel is fully booked to capacity. This is a phenomenon which occurs predominantly in the first quarter of the year. I’ve got my own conspiracy theory about this, but it isn’t worth much to talk about.

So anyway, 3 days in a row, back to back, I had to field questions to which the enquirer already has the answers too. As I said, logic and reason doesn’t apply.

Scenario 1: Girl breaks up with Boy. Both can’t find closure until girl starts seeing someone else. Boy upset.

Scenario 2: Boy likes Girl. Girl plays hard to get. Boy moves on to find someone else. Girl upset.

Scenario 3: Unmarried Girl likes Married Man. Unmarried Girl is upset that she means nothing to Married Man. Unmarried Girl’s in a fit of rage throws herself at Married Man and later confesses to boyfriend. Boyfriend upset. Unmarried Girl upset. Married Man gets 1x free pussy. Happy.

At least there’s one happy ending.

Next article: Top 10 Signs You Are Going To Get Your Candy-Ass Dumped.

Apr '08

Give me a sign

Superstar says::

It’s the 4th anniversary of my 25th birthday. Woopie doo.

Each year I fall into a bout of depression in the weeks leading up to my birthday and it gets worse as the days draw closer. It’s the one time a year i whine like a bitch. I get unreasonable, short fused and highly sensitive. And don’t tell me that “oh, it’s okay for guys to be older, blah blah blah.” I’m not upset about growing old, I’m just upset. Period. I am aware of these emotions, but I’m unable to do anything to prevent myself from reacting negatively. I’m sure the girls can empathize with me.

Note to self: that was really uncool, Gene. You need to de-pussify yourself damnit.

This year’s depressive streak is quite different. Intense. Darker. Almost sentient.

A couple of years ago, I set out to create a business from scratch. It was supposed to be my ticket to financial and personal freedom. To be able to choose my own destiny and mould other’s destiny along with mine.

Some things have got to give in order to achieve greater glory. Freedom has a price and I’m willing to pay for it. I stopped hanging out with my friends because that would mean wasting time and good money on alcohol. I stopped learning to play the guitar because that time spent could be put to better use developing the business. The Relationship has got to take the backseat for the time being. If she truly loves me, she’ll wait. After all, we’ve been together for a while, what’s a little longer?

2008. Today. Time has put a distant between my buddies and I. Sometimes we try to “catch up” and relive the old times but the feeling just isn’t the same. It’s forced pretense at its best. My guitar is covered with dust, the wood warped and its string broken. Pretty much a reflection of what I have become. If my guitar could talk, she’d probably say the same thing when she looked at me. Dusty, out of tune and entirely warped. Relationship ended sometime last year. I’m not sure when it withered out, but by the time she actually spoke to me about it, it was too freakin’ late.

Business took off somewhat. I have enough contracts in my lap to run the business for the year smoothly. (Of cause ‘smoothly’ isn’t exactly smooth because our dear God has a cruel sense of humor.)

Sweet smell of freedom… but I ain’t breaking into a song and dance anytime soon. Finally taking the time to raise my head from the blueprint of my life, I see nothing around me. Bleak.

I need to do something but I don’t have a plan yet. A friend over MSN suggested I seek answers through Him. Can’t go wrong with that. So I did.

Dear God, I need to get out of this rut. Now, I know you’re not big on direct answers and you work in mysterious of ways. But for Chirst’s sake, could you just tell it to me in my face what I…

*ding* MSN window pops up….

Holy mother of god….


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