Back in the good old days when I was much much younger, I remember Daddy sending Mummy to work in our old family merc, near the old Ellenbourough Market by the river.

I’ll always insist on tagging along.
Car rides were fun when you were much smaller.
Now that I’m older, car rides are still fun except that the car has to go much faster than my dad’s legal speed limit.

I remember at that exact same spot, where the current ERP gantry stands, there was a tiny cubicle by the side of the road, guarded by a mata.
I use the term cubicle because I’d always thought it a portable toilet cubicle for the mata to pee while on duty.

C’mon. I was 5 la ok.
In those days, we not so high tech, not so informed ok!
But I’m pretty darn sure we had much more imagination than kids these days.

Annnyyywaaay, there was a ruling back then, that cars need to ferry at least 3 people before they are allowed to enter the CBD during peak hours.

So every morning, I would bring my life size teddy (I wasn’t so tall then and the teddy seemed to be my size. the 80s kind with flat plastic stick-on eyes that has black round plastics inside as rolly pupils) for the car ride and when we drive past the gantry, i would stick my face and the bear at the rear passenger window and wave!

Firstly, I was scared of getting arrested by the mata. Too many childhood threats of the police coming to take me away if I was naughty.

Secondly, I was still scared. Scared that that the mata won’t see me seated at the back. Like I said, I wasn’t so tall then.

Thirdly, I was also scared that the mata won’t count me as a “full” passenger.
See, when I was 5, I’ve already grasped the concept of fractions, thanks to the educational chart at the back of taxis.

That’s why I brought Mr Teddy along.
I figured two small people makes 1 “full” person, just like the chart says.

Nowadays with Electronic Road Pricing, Mr Teddy gets to remain in his cupboard.
Basically, the motive of the additional ERP gantrys is to ease traffic and not sucker our citizens’ money right?

So, how about we revert back to the good old “min-3-pple-in-a-car” ruling?

It will encourage car pooling, thereby bringing people together and reducing the number of cars on the road.
Which in turn reduces fuel consumption and then reduces pollution and then reduces global warming and then it will be my cue to jump out and say WORLD PEACE!

I’ve dated many gamers. Countless.

Unreal Tournament, Diablo, World of Warcraft, Streets of London, Age of Conan, you name it i’ve dated it.

And no, I don’t date Counter Strike Bengs.

I only date REAL MEN who play REAL ROLE-PLAYING GAMES.

These men are PASSIONATE (about their game), STEADFAST in love (with their online character) and LOYAL (to their battle mates).

All the traits I’ve checked off on a list for my perfect man.

Gamers almost never cheat on their partners. Because they have no time to.
They rush home after movies to battle with their team.
They hurry through dinner to complete a new mission.
They play well into the early hours of the morning, lacking sleep they result in grumpiness, short tempers, unkempt other halves.

It doesn’t take another physical human being to steal your boyfriend, it can also come in the form of a cyber character.

So as i frag one gamer boyfriend after another, they all still seem to respawn around me.

Like they say, if you can’t beat them, join them.

P.S i’ve always wondered, who’s they anyway?!

Yesterday I called the SingTel Billing Enquiry Hotline about a discrepency in my bill.

Some chick answered my call after being put on hold.

She verified my mobile number, name and I.C.

Then she asked me what was wrong.

We had a lengthy 10 minute discussion about my handphone bill, unsolicited SMS, unexplainable charge from a 3rd party provider etcetc.

And she finally came to the conclusion that her capacity was inadequate to help me.

“Sorry, madam, I will have to refer your case to my colleague who manages content subscription and she will give you a call back later. Can I have your NUMBER please?”

Superstar saez::

I cried today.

I have never cried in my life. Not even as a baby. When the doctor spanked my ass, I yelled some gibberish to him which sounded something like “touch me again, and I swear I’ll poop on your hand, Doc”.

A real man never cry. And those who know me, know that there are days when even my presence in the room can reduce hardened criminals to wussified pansies.

But today, I can’t control myself. The tears just followed.

I looked her in the eye and she leaned closer. “Shut your eyes” she said.

I did and then I felt it. Felt the pain like a thousand burning needles slammed right into my face. I clenched my fist and bit my lips, but the tears just keep on flowing. All these while, she never spoke a single word. Neither did I. There was nothing to say.

Before I turn to leave, she asked if I would like to come back and see her again.

Crazy woman.
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It all started 3 days ago when Sally called me excitedly over the phone to tell me that I’ve won a free 1 hour facial treatment. I don’t know any Facial Sally, but she sounded like she knew me. I sounded like I was hard-up for free facial.

We made a deal. 15th May. Date between Facial Sally and me.

So I was ushered into a nice cosy room. Told to lie down and wait. Sounds of waves and birds chipping played over hidden speakers from somewhere in the room. A short while later, a hot curvy chick sauntered in and told me what I was in for. “I will giving you a steaming facial to open up your porr. Then later I remove your blackhay and after that give you massage and mas.”

Whatever. I’ll take two of each if it’s free, thank you.

Well, if you have seen my photos before on posters and magazines, then you would probably notice that I’ve got quite a large nose. And you know what they say about men with large nose right?

Anyway…everything went well until she started on her “blackhay” removing procedure. I knew something wasn’t right when she held a weird looking metal contraption close to my face like a brain surgeon would to a skull.

I looked her in the eye and she leaned closer. “Shut your eye” she said.

Big nose = more surface area = more “blackhay” = more pain = more tears

At first I tried to be hero. I curled my toes and flexed my muscle, but when she got to the area where the nose meets the face, I felt my pee travel down my urinary tract, through my endless length of manhood and put a tiny stain on my boxers.

That’s when I shed a tear. Two tears. And then three.

She must have felt my body tense up, course she said in a really comforting tone. “It’s your first time, sure will hurt.” Hey woman, that’s my line! I was thinking that, but before my thoughts could process into witty remark, I felt the cold touch of her metal contraption on my nose and I blacked out. Well, I didn’t literally blacked out, but I must have been in so much trauma that my mind blocked out the next few passing minutes, because the next thing I know, she said “ok. Now time to put on the “mas”.”

Before I could figure what that was, something cold and gooey spread over my face. My eyes were still covered with some gauze like material. I know how people who were buried alive must have felt. After almost suffocating me with heavy goo, she left the room.

Alone. Brutalized and with facial mask seeping into my nostrils. (My big nose is going to get me killed someday.)

After what felt like 4 days, she finally came back in to the room to remove the mask. “Ok all done. You can get up now.”

I’m alive. I’m alive!

I jumped into my shoes, grab my bag and bolted for the door with every aching fiber of my body.

Before I turned to leave, she asked me quite coyly “would you like to come back again mister?”

Crazy woman.

Superstar says::

A man was fishing by the docks.

A fine young gentleman in crisp pin stripped suit walks up to the man and inquired politely, “what are you doing dear sir?”

“I am fishing of course.” The man replied.

“And why do you fish?” the fine young gentleman pressed on.

“Because I enjoy catching fishes, so that’s what I do.

“That is such a waste of time! You can turn your hobby into a money making venture. You can cast a net and catch more fishes”

“And what do I do with more fishes?” the man asked.

“Well you could sell them for a profit and use the money to buy trawlers to catch even more fishes.” The fine young gentleman replied rather impatiently.

“And what do I do with more fishes?” the man asked coolly.

“You sell them for even greater profits, buy over a fishing fleet and start your own company” the fine young gentleman said with a hint of annoyance.

Again the man asked, “And what do I do then?”

“Well, with all that money in the world, you don’t have to work any more and you can do anything you like”

“Like fishing?” The man asked.

“Like fishing.” The fine young gentleman replied

“Then,” the man said with a warm smile, “I have not wasted my time.”
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note: this story was related to me when i was a little kid and somehow it struck a chord in me. I didn’t understand it then as a child, but it makes perfect sense now. I can’t remember the story verbatim but i tried my best to relate it with my own version. Hope you like this one, Jac00. it’s a little different from the usual angsty articles. Go figure this one out.
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I leave you readers with this quote of the day. “contentment is just a better way of looking at resignation”

Superstar saez::

I’m a nice guy. On most days at least. It takes a lot to piss me off. Contrary to popular belief, I’m really not as intimidating as they make me out to be. Honest.

Only 2 things in life piss the crank out of me. Other than whiny girls, weaklings, doormats, morons, customer service hotline, unpunctuality, price hikes, indecisive folks, people who can’t speak English and people who chope their seats with packets of tissue paper.

Piss-me-off #1: Don’t tell me ‘Don’t’.
Firstly I don’t take kindly to people who force their ideals and beliefs down my throat. This goes out mainly to all religious fanatics, MLM agents and our beloved parents. Secondly, it really drives me up the wall when people start telling me NOT to feel this way, NOT to feel that way, NOT to eat this, NOT to eat that.

Just the other day, something tickled my nose and I had to sneeze and sneeze I did. I enjoyed every moment of it. From the time of the built up, to the muscle contraction to riding the wave of the sneeze equivalent of an orgasm, I enjoyed every freaking minute of that sneeze. Mum came up to me and said “Don’t sneeze lah.”

God damn. I’m sorry. Excuse me. Maybe I offended you with my thunderous sneeze, but I can’t help it can I? Hey, wise crack, how about you NOT piss after 10 jugs of beer. You don’t get to cast that first stone.

Out with my friend the other day. Concern. Caring. Doting. Whatever. No body tells a man to NOT eat his chicken skin. Especially one from KFC. The good Colonel did not go out of the way to put in his secret blend of herbs and spices just so you can throw it away dipshit. Respect the colonel, bitch.

If I keel over and die from a heart attack cause my arteries are clogged, so be it. Here’s a news flash, sweetheart, you’re going to die too someday. At least with smoking and fatty food, I know exactly how I’m going to go. And for the record, not every smoker is going to end up looking like the picture on cigarette cartons. Jaywalking across Wisma will yield the same effect if you ain’t careful.

Just today. 5mins ago. A hot but annoying friend called to say hi. Being hot has it privileges. I gave her 3mins talk time out of my busy schedule. “Hey honey, why so curt? Don’t be grumpy.” She said in a high pitched, annoyingly bubbly tone.

Don’t. Be. Grumpy.

Let’s analyze this. First the speaker assumes that me being grumpy is a personal choice. I woke up one morning, look into my cupboard and decide which mood to put on. What to wear, what to wear? Then the speaker assumes authority over me and demands, request or persuade me to cease being in my present emotional state. So…just because you say Don’t be grumpy, my frown will magically turn up into a smile?

“It’s easy to just shrug your shoulders and say “don’t.” A real friend will take action. Do something. Truly honey, if you really want to cheer me up, put the money where your mouth is.”

Guys, the next time your girl throws a PMS-ic fit, turn over and tell her “Don’t be PMS-ic. Don’t.” That will probably get you a knee between the balls and night out on the couch. But hey, at least you’d get my respect.

An excerpt from a conversation I had with my friends last week on 2 separate occasions. One’s a dumpee and the other’s the dumper.

Dumpee: Yeah, so anyway I ceased contacting her and moved on with my life. What else can I do? It’s not like she’s going to come back to me or anything. I’m going to take this opportunity to meet more people, catch up with my friends and just have some alone time.

Me: True. True. Cheers.

We clink our bottles together and sat in comfortable silence

Dumper: He never called back after the breakup! What the hell?! How can he move on so fast? It’s almost as if he didn’t care. I knew it. He never loved me. That bastard. The last I heard he’s out seeing people.

Me: But you dumped him.

Dumper: Yeah, but shouldn’t he try to get me back?

Me: But you dumped him for someone else.

Dumper: He could at least try. At least I’ll know he loved me.

Me: But you stopped loving him.

Dumper: Aiyah! You don’t understand lah. I hate him, I hate him!

Payback’s a bitch. Nothing says “eat shit and die muthafucker” better than a nonchalant oh-too-cool-to-care attitude. Hating is as good as loving. It’s a form of extreme emotion that puts you in a vulnerable position.

You probably get good advice like start a new hobby and take a vacation from friends. While these all work out fine, they are hardly fun. Your ex is probably going to turn to his/her new squeeze and go “so poor thing ah. I feel sorry for my ex. Tsk tsk.”

Do it the Superstar way for a guaranteed payback. 9 out of 10 Dumpers will tell you that they are not affected by the list below and are in fact happy for their Dumpee. Only 1 is honest.

10 Ways to Piss Your Ex and Look Good Doing It. (Aka Top 10 Ways to Get Over The Muthafucker.)

10. Don’t give a shit about the breakup. Act like it means nothing to you. Even if it does, don’t show it.

9. Call you ex by his/her first name. That should be a refreshingly shocking change. And say it like you’ve been doing it forever.

8. Call your ex by another name and go “oops. Sorry. It’s just that YOU remind me of HIM/HER”. This works every-fucking-time. It just kills the other person inside.

7. Laugh it off.

6. Date your ex’s friend. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, just occasional meet up is enough to piss your ex off.

5. Call your ex to ask about this nice restaurant that he/she brought you to before. Sound excited and be in a rush to put down.

4. Get attached. For guys, find a girl that’s hotter than your ex. The new one doesn’t need to have more brains. Just pick one with bigger boobs and a decent face. For girls, find a man that drives a better car.

3. Go work that body out. Make your Ex drool at the new you.

2. Gush to your common friends about how good your new one is in bed. You never knew what orgasm felt like until today.

1. Make a homemade porn clip and send it to us. We would be more than happy to give you airtime on our blog. Need a partner? Drop us a comment.

Superstar says::
So here are Gene’s top 10 lists on identifying and surviving relationship fuck-ups. Follow these easy steps and you’ll be problem-free like me.

Top 10 Signs You Are Going To Get Your Candy-Ass Dumped.

10. He/She starts to dress up differently. New thongs, sexier outfit, and watch out for the hair. The girls will almost always try something new with the hair. If you guys have been together for years and she only started to dress in exceptionally low cut top and figure hugging dresses, I bet you my left ball she isn’t doing it for you.

9. Your partner no longer calls you [insert word of endearment here] and when you point that out, he/she simply replies “you’re just being oversensitive” but still no mention of [insert word of endearment here].

8. Your partner no longer laughs at your jokes or silly antics but instead finds them annoying.

7. You tell him/her that you’re going out with another girl/guy to catch a movie. Your partner goes “have fun.” Clear sign he/she no longer feels anything for you.

6. He/She starts hanging on to his/her mobile phone for his/her dear life. Every SMS gets replied to immediately while your messages to him/her takes hours to get back to you, and even so, its short, curt and without effort.

5. He/She tells you that I’m going out to meet a friend, and NO, you can’t come along because said friend wants to talk in private about something personal.

4. Oh its already 10pm, its too late to go out with you because he/she has to wake up early tomorrow, but makes an exception when a friend calls him/her to meet under him/her block for a short while of three hours. This also applied to telephone conversations.

3. He/She suddenly becomes more knowledgeable about things you guys never talked about. He/She has even gone on to take up a new hobby.

2. “I need a vacation.” Alarm bells should go off when you here this line. It is different from “WE need a vacation.” The guys usually don’t pick this up fast enough. By the time she actually goes through with the vacation, you can kiss the relationship good bye. The girls are a lot more astute on this one. Usually, the plans get unraveled before the guy has the chance to even think of a destination.

1. “I don’t feel like blowing anymore.” Yes, yes. The culmination of all relationships. It’s over. The end. Roll credits. Chicks in general like to suck dick. Even if they hate sucking dick, she will do it for the guy she loves. Now, if she tells you those 6 simple words, you know you’re going to be well acquainted with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 daughters in the days to follow.

Ladies and gents. Are these signs apparent in your relationship? I’m not particularly in favor of the Salvage-The-Relationship school of thought when these 10 signs are a-showing.

Dignity, ladies and gents. Whatever you do, never grovel and beg. Nothing says Fuck You Right Back like…

Next article: Top 10 Ways to Get Over The Muthafucker.

I leave you gentle readers with this beautiful quote from Jim Butcher’s White Night. It goes out to the girl I saw getting dumped at City Hall, it goes out to my friend who was crying buckets on my shoulder two nights ago and it goes out to my other friend who has moved on to a new man in life but can’t forget the old.

Pain is part of life. Sometimes it’s a bigger part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does 2 things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.
- Jim Butcher; White Night.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It gives me great pressure to announce a merger, of sorts, with another great writer aptly named SuperStar!

SS will be updating on a much more regular basis than I am.

That won’t be too difficult to achieve lah.

I hope you’ll enjoy SS sense of humour and sacarsm, as much as I’d have over the years.

Please be nice. SS has a fragile ego.

Superstar Says::
There are tons of self-help books out there telling you how to handle relationships, breakups, singlehood, marriage, etc, but nothing prepares you for the real brute force of an emotional trauma like being in the situation yourself. That’s when all logic and reasons go out the window. You’re upset, you’re upset, and that’s nothing you can do about it.

Lately there has been a breakup epidemic going on. Heartbreak Hotel is fully booked to capacity. This is a phenomenon which occurs predominantly in the first quarter of the year. I’ve got my own conspiracy theory about this, but it isn’t worth much to talk about.

So anyway, 3 days in a row, back to back, I had to field questions to which the enquirer already has the answers too. As I said, logic and reason doesn’t apply.

Scenario 1: Girl breaks up with Boy. Both can’t find closure until girl starts seeing someone else. Boy upset.

Scenario 2: Boy likes Girl. Girl plays hard to get. Boy moves on to find someone else. Girl upset.

Scenario 3: Unmarried Girl likes Married Man. Unmarried Girl is upset that she means nothing to Married Man. Unmarried Girl’s in a fit of rage throws herself at Married Man and later confesses to boyfriend. Boyfriend upset. Unmarried Girl upset. Married Man gets 1x free pussy. Happy.

At least there’s one happy ending.

Next article: Top 10 Signs You Are Going To Get Your Candy-Ass Dumped.

Superstar says::

It’s the 4th anniversary of my 25th birthday. Woopie doo.

Each year I fall into a bout of depression in the weeks leading up to my birthday and it gets worse as the days draw closer. It’s the one time a year i whine like a bitch. I get unreasonable, short fused and highly sensitive. And don’t tell me that “oh, it’s okay for guys to be older, blah blah blah.” I’m not upset about growing old, I’m just upset. Period. I am aware of these emotions, but I’m unable to do anything to prevent myself from reacting negatively. I’m sure the girls can empathize with me.

Note to self: that was really uncool, Gene. You need to de-pussify yourself damnit.

This year’s depressive streak is quite different. Intense. Darker. Almost sentient.

A couple of years ago, I set out to create a business from scratch. It was supposed to be my ticket to financial and personal freedom. To be able to choose my own destiny and mould other’s destiny along with mine.

Some things have got to give in order to achieve greater glory. Freedom has a price and I’m willing to pay for it. I stopped hanging out with my friends because that would mean wasting time and good money on alcohol. I stopped learning to play the guitar because that time spent could be put to better use developing the business. The Relationship has got to take the backseat for the time being. If she truly loves me, she’ll wait. After all, we’ve been together for a while, what’s a little longer?

2008. Today. Time has put a distant between my buddies and I. Sometimes we try to “catch up” and relive the old times but the feeling just isn’t the same. It’s forced pretense at its best. My guitar is covered with dust, the wood warped and its string broken. Pretty much a reflection of what I have become. If my guitar could talk, she’d probably say the same thing when she looked at me. Dusty, out of tune and entirely warped. Relationship ended sometime last year. I’m not sure when it withered out, but by the time she actually spoke to me about it, it was too freakin’ late.

Business took off somewhat. I have enough contracts in my lap to run the business for the year smoothly. (Of cause ‘smoothly’ isn’t exactly smooth because our dear God has a cruel sense of humor.)

Sweet smell of freedom… but I ain’t breaking into a song and dance anytime soon. Finally taking the time to raise my head from the blueprint of my life, I see nothing around me. Bleak.

I need to do something but I don’t have a plan yet. A friend over MSN suggested I seek answers through Him. Can’t go wrong with that. So I did.

Dear God, I need to get out of this rut. Now, I know you’re not big on direct answers and you work in mysterious of ways. But for Chirst’s sake, could you just tell it to me in my face what I…

*ding* MSN window pops up….

Holy mother of god….

broken the mould and spent an entire month on this guy.

DAVID ARCHULETA.

He’s 16.
He’s goodlooking.
He’s humble.
He’s likeable.
He sings like an angel.

Need more reasons?

At home with David:

A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton
(everytime i hear this, i cant help but imagine 2 White on Black Chicks swaying their blonde hair to the piano)

Audition Round:

Heaven by Bryan Adams

American Idol:

Imagine by John Lennon

No one in my family had it.

Not my 70 year old parents, nor my late 30s sisters, definitely not young, healthy full of life me.

It must have been in our DNA that we are immune to chicken pox.

But noooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I have to be the mutant of the family.

The first to kena chicken pox.

It started out innocently enough. A few little red spots, resembling dust mites or mosquito bites.

Then they start itching. And swelling. And bubbling over like red hot lava.

And then…..

They multiply.

Almost hundreds of these start popping up all over my body!
On my tummy, all over my back, along my spine!
How can this happen!
TO ME!!

To the oh-i’m-so-damn-vain-i-put-the-devil-to-shame me!

All my teenage life, I’ve spent 10 good years battling acne.
It’s almost as if now, they’ve gathered all their long lost relatives, twice-removed cousins and the entire extended family, and came back with a vengance.

The war is on, my old friend.

Perhaps I should apply for Discovery Animal Planet to be a wildlife photographer.

Re-introducing Cosworth “Cozzie” Lim!

I’ve always loved photographing Cozzie. He’s very handsome, from every angle and each photo, he seem to emote!

“DROP THE COOKIE AND I’LL RELEASE THE BEAR!”

He must be the original “THE DOG”

And hereby introducing the newcomer,

SUSHI MCGURRAN!
The adopted child of Mark, she’s staying with cozzie while her human pets went away.

She was resuced from SPCA in the first week of 2008, at only 3 months old, the German Pointer mix is still learning the rules of living with humans.

And you wonder why they call it “a dog’s life”.